There are a lot of things I should be doing, words that I should be writing that are not these particular words. But I can't. I just can't right now, because I'm too sad. Sad about some little personal things, but mostly, sad on a much more all-encompassing level. Call me childish if you like, but I'm sad for the world at large... I "have a little pain in my heart," to echo someone's sentiments from Oslo last night.
I started writing today because of my heartsickness over the tragedy in Norway. But there's more behind that ache. Children condemned and bullied because as boys, they paint their toenails pink, or as girls, they're just not pretty or girly enough. A website for "angry white dudes" both calling out Jane Fonda for her past protesting, and insinuating (via user comments) that she deserves to be raped as punishment. The harsh reality that my home government does not care about the health of its citizens, continually failing to provide affordable and available health coverage for all its people. A foreign policy that hinges on hunting-down evildoers, not creating strategies for growth and healing. On a tiny level, the knowledge that, by being an artist, I've condemned myself to a life of financial strife, and governmental insignificancy, bacause I just don't work 'hard' enough. And, should I ever be recognized finanically as an artist, I'd best sure to toe the conservative line, or else.
I was sickningly enthralled by the "angry white dude" website I stumbled on today... in part of it, the Head AWD condemns a group of compatriots for wanting to start "a Black tea party." He asks them why must they distinguish themselves in terms of race. He also criticizes Sarah Palin for saying that it's time for a female president by asking "why not a midget president etc." I have an answer for him, though I'm sure that he doesn't what to hear what a Rational White Dudette has to say. My answer is that perhaps people want to distinguish themselves from Angry White Dudes because we do not want to be construed as being like you. We don't want to be coloured with the same brush as a person who proposes rape as a fitting punishment for an outspoken woman. Perhaps we, in addition to taking pride in our non-angry, white, dude status, want to make it very clear to the rest of the world that WE are not YOU.
I want peace to be valued. I want soldiers worldwide to be able to stop being soldiers, and get to fall in love with their civilian lives all over again, trading the front lines for family, home, harmony. I want politicians to stop being the mouthpieces for big business, for Monsanto etc. to stop making its' interests my interests. I want my government to invest in me, to see me as more than a taxpayer number, but as a vital active resource, taking interest in my health and well-being. I want to give life to a child who will grow up not living in fear of school shootings, terrorist threats, not to mention bullying at the hands of 'normal' children and their cruel, small-minded parents.
We live in a world where, angry or not, one must shout to be heard. And what better way to make one's shouts heard than by having the money and clout to buy a very large and expensive microphone. I know that almost no one will read this. And those of you that will likely already agree with me. But I'm going to try shouting anyway, because I don't know what else to do.
I want to live my life. Fully.
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