I've been thinking a lot lately about the theatre business and where I fit it into it all. For the past almost four months, I've been fully engaged in a graduate program with a live-art focus, in which I am the only actor, in a traditional sense. I've been expanding my work, creating my own writing/text for the stage and really pushing the limits of what I thought I could do in a theatrical context. I've gotten to work closely with some truly amazing artists, Lin Hixson, the founder and director of Goat Island in Chicago. I can honestly say that she's been an idol of mine for some time, and could not be more thrilled to have not only met her, but worked under her guidance in class. I've also been travelling, as you intrepid readers are well aware by now, seeing so much art in so many different places. And yet, I've been wondering if something has been missing. And I just figured out what it is. It has been four months since my last audition. Forgive me, Judgmental Theatre Gods, for I have sinned...
This is the longest time span I've gone since probably high school without the thrill of the cold-read, the thrill of the callback, and the disappointment of the phone that just won't ring. I haven't done a play in a long time, and have neglected to practice my monologues on London's sunny shores. At first, I was disappointed in myself. What am I doing? All my life, I've wanted to be an actor, and now, here I am, in London. SLACKING. The horror! And then, I realized, to use theatrical terms, what my motivation is. I don't just want to be an actor anymore. Allow me to clarify.
Ever since I started working with my own theatre company in New York City, I've been thrilled by the art-making process, not just onstage, but in all the thought and work and struggle that leads into that first rehearsal, and is rewarded (hopefully!) in opening night. It's certainly not easy, especially when one is a stubborn, headstrong single-minded gal like myself, reluctant to ask for help, and resentful of personal failure. But, I have never felt more artistically alive as I did when my production of My Name is Rachel Corrie opened and ran successfully for three weeks in New York City. Although I was in the production, my elation came not just from the thrill of being onstage; it existed also because I had had a hand in making the production happen. Somehow, it felt like "my" show. For the first time, I wasn't just an actor, working on someone else's production, towards his/her concept. It was "my" show and "my" concept that were heard. And i think, for me, that's where my dream has shifted now.
Meeting Lin Hixson has certainly helped me articulate this feeling for myself. She works in the way I hope someday to be able to sustain for myself. She and her collaborators develop artpieces from the ground up, and are able to support the work for a couple of years at a time on a single piece. While I'm too impatient to work under that (lack of) time constraint, I'm so envious of that style of artmaking. And that's what I now know I'm working towards. For me, artistic satisfaction isn't just in the audition room, and in between the proscenium arch anymore. Now, I want to be part of the conception and development process.
For now, I think, for me at least, that means some solo work. Having never for example done much creative-type writing, I want to see what I'm capable of, especially while I have the luxury of being within an academic framework. After this program finishes, I feel like, at least as I see it now, I want to go back to my company and begin work on some new pieces, moving away from the comfort of a pre-existing script into some unknown territory. Then, while I can still audition for other shows, etc., I'll have that homebase for myself that I know now is essential for me.
Being a working actor is still my dream. But now, I have a better handle on what kind of working will be satisfying and fulfilling for me, and it's not waiting on line for cereal commercial auditions. While I lack the drive for that kind of acting lifestyle, I think I may have stumbled onto the path where my ambition is excited. Being an artmaker, not just a performer. So, cheers to that!
Love,
TGI
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